A potential client declined my services last week. My value as a coach was questioned. I felt rejected.
I bet a lot of people who are looking for work know exactly what rejection feels like. The motivation levels for keeping at it are very low. The cover letters no longer get customised as it has become such a chore.
One of my clients got rejected on a date. Over and over again. That was it, no more dates afterwards because of the deep fear of being rejected again.
A maze is a perfect metaphor for repeated rejection. You walk along the path until it suddenly stops. Access denied. You are not wanted here. So you find another path. It looks promising, you keep walking and get your hopes up, but just as you turn the corner, it stops again. Access denied. You are not wanted here either. And so it continues…
Rejection leaves a mark on us. The feelings of frustration, shame or grief can last for weeks and months, sometimes years. We build it up in our head until it is huge. It impacts our self- esteem, leaving us feeling unworthy, not accepted, not lovable.
Reception is a part of life. Instead of avoiding it to protect us from pain, we have to look it right in the eye. Here are some strategies:
Do detective work: What are the roots of the rejection?
Whenever we get rejected, we usually take it very personally and make it all about us. But reality is, someone else has an opinion that comes with its own emotional load. Other people’s (biased) opinion of whether we’re up for a certain promotion or fit their expectation as a romantic partner should not define who we know we are (or what we’re capable and worthy of).
Spend some time on establishing where the rejection comes from and if it can be explained. This gives reason and objectivity.
Be emotional
Being honest with ourselves and allowing emotions to be present is a healthy exercise. When my children have a meltdown, I don’t wish it away as I’m a big believer in process work and this is a perfect example. When feeling sad, ashamed, angry or whatever it is you experience as a consequence of being rejected, admit it, give it space and allow the emotion to exist.
Denial of emotions make them stronger. Acceptance, on the other hand, allow you to process them and move on.
Find a solution to the problem
Very often the answer to finding a solution to something that is not working is trying something new. There are different approaches to do this. You could working on this:
- Define the problem
- Generate ideas by brainstorming options
- Rule out any obvious poor options
- Look at pros and cons of the remaining options
- Choose the best one
- Create an action plan to put it into practice
If you would like support with a similar topic please get in touch for an informal chat.
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